A writing assignment I did for class based on an alternate version of myself.
Bridge Project: Who would I be if my mom never died?
Having lost my mom at an early age to cancer it significantly shaped who I am as a person. I have always wondered how my life would’ve been different growing up in a two parent household and not experiencing grief at such a young age. To give some backstory I grew up with my dad and my twin brother Noah. My mom passed away when I was five due to cancer. Losing my mom made me stronger, capable ,empathetic and a little more extenistial… The question that I ask myself on the daily is how my life would've turned out if she had never died and who I would’ve become as I grew older.. What my alternate life would look like If my mom successfully won the fight against cancer. Would I still be at parsons and pursuing a field in the arts? Would I still be extremely sensitive to myself and others? Would I still be interested in fashion? Or am I who I am because I was born that way and my upbringing has nothing to do with it? What if, What if, What if.
This is the life that could’ve been mine but isn’t.
I would grow up with my mom, dad and a brother in a tiny house in Long Island by the water. I would have daily structure. Continuing my dance classes, going to kindergarten and coming home to my mom making me snacks while my dad is at work. I would be involved with school and have a better sense of community just like all my friends and their moms. I wouldn’t be the odd one out. I would fit right in. Each day my mom would drop me off at school and attend the weekly PTA meetings .She would help me pick out my outfits in the morning and braid my hair as soon as I would wake up. I would hang out with my friends and their moms. We would go on spa trips together and she would take me shopping. I definitely wouldn’t know the harshness of the world at such a young age. I would be completely oblivious to all the bad. Less anxious about daily life and the enviatable cycle of death we all end up experiencing. I would be just a normal little girl. Just as ignorant as any other 8 year old. No sense of mortality. I wouldn’t know myself as well or have a reason to do as much soul searching. Ignorance is bliss as they say and in that life I would be a whole lot more ignorant. Maybe I wouldn’t be as sensitive as I am today. My experience of empathy and understanding of others would change. I don’t think I would be as generous and people pleasing. I wouldn’t have any need to be. I would be selfish. Love would come easy and therapy wouldn’t be as prevalent in my adolescence. The world would just seem a whole lot lighter.
As I would age middle school would be a breeze. I would have a stable friend group and the angst I experienced going to school everyday would be nonexistent. I would go through high school with college on the forefront of my mind... I would have a curfew, a bedtime, and in general a whole lot more rules. I would not be as independent and self-sufficient. Growing up with a single dad for the majority of life forced me to be independent and truly have my own back. School would be a lot more prevalent in my life. Going to daily tutor sessions and having no excuse to fall behind. My mental health would be healthy. My brother would spend more time with us as a family and be a whole lot nicer to me as a kid. I would grow up with a cat named George and we would be One big happy family. I would end up at a New york state school dreaming of a 9-5 and living in my same old small town. The more I write and imagine this alternate life of mine the more unsatisfied I am with the potential outcome.
As much as the what if’s are a daily question I ask myself as I go through life. The more I write about this alternate universe version of me the more happy I become with the one I ended up with. Although it will always be a mystery at the end of the day and I could’ve been just as happy in my alternate life, I am glad my mom died. I know that sounds harsh and it should be taken with a grain of salt but Some good things came out of it. It has shaped me into the person I am today. I am empathetic , kind , sensitive , and caring. Going through the struggles that I have endured through with the loss of my mom made me a better person. It made me more understanding of the other people's struggles in their life and more aware of how truly beautiful life can be. It can go away in a blink of an eye and should be cherished while you can. Also the loss of my mom made me get to know myself inside and out. I am confident after all that therapy I endured throughout my life, I truly know myself. Although we are all constantly growing and ever-changing as humans, I am confidently able to say I know my struggles, I know my boundaries, and I know what hurts me. It made me strong. Going through grief at that level can truly make you feel like you can make it through anything. I also wouldn’t be bestfriends with my dad and or have had the privilege of having the most amazing step mom. My step mom who married my dad when I was 9 truly impacted my life. She has helped me through it all. She has helped me accomplish my dreams and made sure my upbringing was somewhat normal due to the unfortunate circumstances. My fashion brand most likely wouldn’t exist and who knows if I would be as artistically inclined as I grew up. In no way was it easy losing my mom but I wouldn't change it for the world. I am glad I am stuck in this reality……..
Alongside this.. I did a zine that goes with the writing, about love and loss, the cycle of death and the true me. Take a look.
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